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It may be necessary to revise the way you view abused women. |
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For example, questions such as the following “re-victimize” the victim by assuming that the woman has control over the situation, and by minimizing the difficulty and complexity of her circumstances:
- Why do you take it?
- How can you put up with it?
- What did you do to make him so angry?
- Why don't you just leave?
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| The problem is perceived, and identified, as her behavior rather than the abuse. And guess who else is constantly telling her that she is the one with the problem? |
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Give her time and space to tell her story. |
An abused woman may not volunteer information. Be patient and empathetic. Allow her to express her feelings. Help her to identify her strengths and resources. |
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Be non-judgmental. |
Battered women live in an “invisible war zone” and inconsistent behavior is to be expected. Let her know that the abuse is not her fault, that she is not “crazy,” and that you do not judge her or her decisions. |
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Make a referral. |
If someone feels comfortable enough to confide in you, use the opportunity to refer her to her local domestic violence program. Domestic abuse is a complicated issue and requires special training and expertise to deal with it effectively. Suggesting she seek therapy or consult the clergy may be inappropriate. Her doing so may actually place her in danger. Let her know there are laws designed to protect her. |
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Don’t take control away from her - she needs to make her own decisions in her own time. |
Be prepared for a significant “lag-time” between an abused woman seeking help and her acting upon it. She is the only one qualified to judge when it is safe for her to act. It is very frustrating to realize that many women remain in abusive relationships when it appears that they could leave. Even more disheartening is the knowledge that many women return to their abusers an average of five times before they feel safe enough to make a final break. Remember - leaving is a process, not an event. Let her know that she can count on your support. |
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Don’t tell her to leave. |
Be supportive, get information for her, make referrals, help her develop a safety plan - but don’t tell her to leave. She has heard that before, and if she doesn’t leave the next time her partner is abusive, she may be uncomfortable turning to you again for support. Also, leaving may be the most dangerous thing she can do. A battered woman is at the greatest risk when she leaves, or attempts to leave. When a battered woman is killed by her abuser, it is usually after she has ended the relationship. |
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Be patient. |
It is patience, acceptance, a non-judgmental attitude and unqualified support, difficult though these may be, that will help your abused friend or relative start on the road to a safer life. |
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